【Ejaculate Me So i’m Tired】

In what's become a Mashable tradition,Ejaculate Me So i’m Tired we're back to rank our Bridgerton beaus and babes, as we have for Season 1 and Season 2.

The franchise prequel spinoff series, Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story, has blessed us with plenty of characters we'd want to court — and just as many others we'd do anything to avoid. From the return of some of our favorite MILFs, as well as new characters we had the pleasure of meeting, to royal drags who didn't deserve a seat at the table, here's our take on this season's diamonds and disasters.

Cue Lady Whistledown'svoice-over now. 

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SEE ALSO: Who was the real Queen Charlotte from 'Bridgerton'?

13. Lord Bute (Richard Cunningham)

Credit: Liam Daniel/Netflix

Pros:None. 

Cons:He hates seeing women win. He's a racist bigot. He spends way too much time talking about "consummation." Lord Bute is a walking red flagand needs to leave the royal court immediately. 

12. Princess Augusta (Michelle Fairley) 

Credit: Liam Daniel/Netflix

Pros:Her wardrobe is astounding. Her opulence is unmatched. Plus, she's Catelyn Stark, the mother of all mothers, in another universe. 

Cons:Princess Augusta is the worst mother-in-law you can have. She will impose on everything. She has a lot of outdated takes, like thinking it's completely okay to peep in during a couple's consummation on their wedding night (can you imagine the trauma?). She's lowkey really racist. She practically forced her son into torture and called it treatment instead. And she's obsessed with Lord Bute — not very girl's-girl behaviorof her. 

11. Charlotte's kids 

Credit: Screenshot Netflix

Pros:They're nepo babieswho don't want to play their parents' game, which are the best kind of nepo babies. Charlotte's many kids would rather enjoy the fruits of their luxury than cater to a monarchy. They're beginning to question the need for a royal family and lineage, which I respect. They're kind of like the Romy Marsof England's Regency era, mere centuries away from filming a TikTok making fun of Charlotte's crowns. 

Cons:Too many sideburns. 

10. Lord Ledger (Keir Charles) 

Credit: Screenshot Netflix

Pros:He's a great dad who makes the cutest birthday hats. Who doesn't love a man that's shamelessly into arts and crafts? He nicknames his daughter both "beauty" and "brains," which is pretty progressive for his time. He's the king of yearning, and he prioritizes his lover's needs first. 

Cons:He is, in fact, cheating on his wife. But she's racist and not necessarily the best mom around, so maybe we can give him a hall pass? 

9. Adolphus (Tunji Kasim)

Credit: Liam Daniel/Netflix

Pros:Very easy on the eyes. He can take rejection pretty well for a man. 

Cons:He's waytoo goal-oriented, like tech bro-core, "wake up at 5 a.m. and start hustling" style. He's also really overbearing and is a big fan of the British Empire — not cute. 

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8. Reynolds (Freddie Dennis)

Credit: Nick Wall/Netflix

Pros:Excellent cheekbones. He's witty and a big fan of meddling to get two people together. We love that Emma energy!

Cons: He needs to work on his communication skills. It's okay to voice things that worry you, Reynolds! He also sat on the sidelines during George's torturetreatment for way too long and should have intervened sooner. 

7. Lady Agatha Danbury (Adjoa Andoh)

Credit: Liam Daniel/Netflix

Pros:Lady Danbury is a girl's girl. She creates such a safe space for her friends to talk about how depressed and horny they are. She also gives great advice and is a big fan of letting women enjoy things for themselves. 

Cons:She will judge you, and there's a degree of je ne sais quoiyou need to maintain around her to get her to like you. She also needs to start decorating her cane. I advise her to bedazzle it or lean into high camp and add some feathers — don't be afraid to make it a fashion statement, Lady Danbury! 

6. Queen Charlotte (Golda Rosheuvel)

Credit: Liam Daniel/Netflix

Pros:Queen Charlotte is the definition of opulence. She oozes luxury at every moment. She's also incredibly wise and is always the funniest girl in the room. A 10/10 It Girl with looks that can kill and quick quips that will humble anyone. 

Cons:While Charlotte may have had some cons in our past rankings, after this season, I totally get where she's coming from. No cons from this moment forward. 

5. Lady Violet Bridgerton (Ruth Gemmell)

Credit: Nick Wall/Netflix

Pros:Anyone would be lucky to be Lady Vi's daughter. She's beautiful, kind, and endlessly compassionate. In this season alone, she shut down all haters who think women reach an expiration date and aren't allowed to still be fun (and horny) as they age. Lady Violet reacquainting herself with her "garden" was a beautiful reclamation to watch, and she deserves to see it flowered! 

Cons:She seems like the type who thinks yearning from the corner is enough to get her crush to realize her. 

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4. King George (Corey Mylchreest)

Credit: Netflix

Pros:His face. I mean, do you see his face? He's also an astrology girlie who's mastered the cottage-core life, which is enviable for anyone on TikTok. King George deserved so much more than what happened to him this season. His life was so tragically unfair. I wish we could all go back in time to shower him with the empathy and understanding he deserved. 

Cons:Likes mutton. 

SEE ALSO: All your 'Bridgerton' Season 2 crushes, ranked

3. Young Brimsley (Sam Clemmett)

Credit: Liam Daniel/Netflix

Pros:Brimsley is always rooting for women to win and would do anything in his power to see them thrive. He's a ride-or-die friend. He'd do anything for Charlotte. He's a big fan of healthy communication. Honestly? Brimsley is husband material. 

Cons:I wish he'd wear anything besides his royal uniform. He also has trouble with boundaries — let Charlotte pick oranges by herself, Brimsley; it's not the end of the world!

2. Young Charlotte (India Amarteifio)

Credit: Liam Daniel/Netflix

Pros:Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever done before — young Charlotte is phenomenal. The way she was always willing to meet George halfway and really try to understand his "illness" was such a beautiful declaration of unconditional love, and anyone would be so lucky to be on the receiving end of it. She rose to the occasion each time and took a giant piss on anyone who doubted her. A fierce, independent baddie who still knows the power of being gentle, Charlotte is my muse. 

Cons:She seems like the type to make fun of you if you mispronounce something. 

1. Young Agatha Danbury (Arsema Thomas)

Credit: Nick Wall/Netflix

Pros:Talk about a face card. I mean look at her!! LOOK at her!! A beauty and an absolute badass, young Lady Danbury outmaneuvered everyone to get what she wanted and managed to maintain her title. From her political insight and necessary scheming, to ultimately choosing to stay single by the show's end, young Lady Danbury is wise beyond her years and is hellbent on doing her own thing — no matter what men think. She's unafraid to put herself first, prioritize her own desires, and is setting a blueprint for all her girlfriends to do the same thing! All hail the true queen of the show. 

Cons:None. Zero. Zilch. 

Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Storyis now streaming on Netflix. 

Topics Netflix Streaming Bridgerton