【Engsub Archives】

There is Engsub Archivesa certain kind of candy we've been taught to hate, even though most of us -- the silent majority -- desire it deeply in our bones.

Year after year, I've witnessed an exhausting parade of Cadbury Creme Egg takedowns, but I've been terrified to voice my support for the candy and lose the three bots who follow me on Twitter. I can't tell anyone I know that I'm in love with the most stigmatized candy in America.

I don't deserve this. More importantly, Cadbury Creme Eggs don't deserve this. Fellow egg acolytes, let's lift the yoke of our self-stigma and embrace our love for this majestic fondant creation. Why should we betray our nature?

Love is love is love is Cadbury Creme Eggs.

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I'm hesitant to channel my Alex Jones and allege a media conspiracy against Cadbury Creme eggs, but there appears to be something of an organized -- if unconscious -- campaign against the sacred chocolate product. Take a look at just some of the recent attacks from supposedly "independent" media sources against Cadbury Creme eggs:

"8 Reasons You Should Never Eat Cadbury Creme Eggs" (Delish.com, 4/7/2017)

"Sorry, but Cadbury Creme Eggs are horribly overrated" (Metro News, 4/4/2017)

"We really need to discuss how disgusting creme eggs are" (Buzzfeed, 3/6/2016)

"Admit it already, Easter candy is the worst" (a very incorrect take by Mashable writer Peter Allen Clark, you can troll him directly @peterallenclark)

"The Cadbury Creme Egg's Bad Romance" (Jezebel, 4/19/11)

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"John Oliver discovers the dark Illuminati conspiracy behind Cadbury Creme Eggs" (Huffington Post, 3/28/2016)

"Can you get HIV from Cadbury Creme Eggs?" (Metro US, 3/5/2018)

If you're a person who loves Cadbury Creme eggs, good luck trying to be open about it in this climate. The international anti-Cadbury world order doesn't tolerate dissent. Imagine if you went public with your beliefs and visited a college campus to spread your benevolent gospel. You'd be non-platformed, almost immediately, by a battalion of left-wing pro-Reese's anti-Cadbury antifa student fascists.

Via Giphy

Your love is the dangerous kind of love. The best kind.

A few other candies fall into the most hated category -- Raisinets, candy corn, Jujubes -- but none ranks higher than Cadbury Creme Eggs. Part of the reason I think people hate them so much is because they fear its immense power.

There's no candy quite as disruptive, no candy which defies conventional fascistic candy body norms in quite the same way. It's a big bosomy chocolate, an Earth mama candy, not some miserable skinny Lara bar. The Cadbury Creme egg doesn't give a fuck about your puritanical nutritional guidelines. It rejects the natural and embraces the cosmic chemical.

Via Giphy

The Cadbury Creme egg queers the egg.

These are the facts. There will never be a "low calorie" Cadbury Creme Egg or an organic egg, or even an egg free of natural dyes. The Cadbury Creme Egg is messy and fatty and carnal, a deeply primitive chocolate confection beyond our wildest Godiva-based dreams.

At least for some of us. I suppose I can understand what it's like not to enjoy creme eggs. I, for one, have never understood the appeal of Reese's for reasons both philosophical (peanut butter and chocolate should not intermarry) and physiological (it's trash). I understand how people could like it, but it's nonetheless hard to be at the margins of candy culture.

I would ask my readers to take a minute and examine where their opposition to the egg originally came from. Is it something they've always felt in their gut? Or did they learn it from haters on the internet and in their personal lives? How many times have you been told that Cadbury Creme Eggs are bad because they're bad for you -- from the very same people who consume Snickers, one of the most basic and conventional chocolates in the game?

Via Giphy

Who knows how long it'll take before Cadbury Creme Eggs gain the radical acceptance they deserve. But if you're a person out there who loves Cadbury, know this -- you're not alone. There are so many of us out there like you, buying these eggs by the dozen from CVS and eating them secretly in the privacy of our homes. We're like you. We've made fun of Cadbury just to fit in or resorted to far-easier-to-obscure and dry-as-fuck mini-Cadbury eggs to whet our broken little appetites.

It doesn't have to be like this. If you're a person who's always hated these Cadbury treasures, I encourage you to buy one today and try it again, free of judgment. And if you still hate it, don't assume that everyone around you does, too.

Let's allow Cadbury Creme Eggs to finally hatch into something beautiful: themselves.

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